Crimes


A man of imposing stature sat opposite me. His pot belly flowed into the table between us, the buttons of his shirt fought with great might to fulfil their obligation, his eyes pierced into my quivering soul as he gently tapped his indexes together in a slow rhythmic pattern, in a manner that demands attention and conveys authority.


“Why have I been summoned, sir?” I inquired.


“You dare play the fool after what you’ve done!?” He said in his calmest tone.


“I swear I have not done anything. Nothing on purpose anyway. Could you at least tell me the nature of my crimes?”


“If you intend to partake in this charade, I’ll indulge you. You’ve been caught using drugs and are hence going to face grave consequences.”


“But sir, I have never had the means nor the intention to use drugs in my life!”


“And yet we have found shocking results from your urinalysis.”


“How could that be possible! I never gave my urine for analysis.”


“Do not change the subject. You are guilty. You shall be convicted for your crimes against this prestigious establishment.”


“If I may ask, what drugs am I accused of using?”


“Venlafaxine, six of them in one day, the report says.”


“But those are my anti-depressants! Prescribed to me by a real doctor!”


“Your prescription asks you to eat three a day, you must have accumulated two days' worth and had it together, you sicko.”


“Well, even if I did, that’s not illegal, you can’t convict me for that!”


“While that may be true, a sick freak who doesn’t hesitate to take three extra pills is surely on some deadlier drugs of the illegal variety.”


“This is absurd, you cannot accuse me on a hunch.”


“This is not a hunch, I am certain of it. Besides, I have the urine to prove it.”


“How do you even know that’s my urine? You could have gotten it mixed up. For all I remember, I never even gave anyone my urine as of late.”

“That's even worse then. It takes a truly twisted mind to forge a urine sample.”


“Why would I forge a urine sample that makes me look guilty?”


“The only reason I can think of is that you’re trying to hide the more heinous variety of drugs you’ve been indulging in.”


“This is outrageous! I want a lawyer!”


“You’re mistaken if you think this is a democracy, boy. Now, do you deny having taken twice the amount of venlafaxine that you should have been taking?”


“...no”


“As expected. Guilty as charged. Take him out.” He pulled a gavel out of thin air and smacked it on the table. The ground shuddered.


Two men in all black entered the room and grabbed me. “It’s time.” One of them said.


“I’d like the guillotine, please.” I smiled.


“As you wish.”


“Thank you.”

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